More Great UTMB Ideas

I've been thinking more about University of Texas Medical Branch's practice of renting out mentally ill prison inmates for cops to practice their phlebotomy against, and it seems to me that UTMB, TDCJ's medical services provider, is missing out on several other great opportunities to make money on the backs of "consenting" (consent is easy to obtain in prison—just offer a little extra privilege, something to make the time pass, to those who do what you want, and withhold a little privilege from those who don't) inmates:

  • Kidney farm. And retina farm. And plasma farm. And bone marrow farm. (The last two are renewable resources, which the "offenders" will hardly miss.)
  • Baby farm. (There are more than 10,000 women in Texas prisons, most of them in their prime baby-bearing years. People needing surrogates might pay extra to have their babies carried to term in a controlled secure environment from which the birth mother would have a great deal of trouble claiming any sort of parental rights.)
  • Human dairy farm. (Cow milk is for baby cows!)
  • Charge spectators to stare at the mentally ill inmates, in the style of Bedlam. (Not sure about this one—we can get the same for free at a State Board of Education meeting.)
  • Medical testing facility. (Big pharma, among others, would pay a great deal of money for unfettered access to a captive audience without that pesky FDA looking over their shoulders.)
  • Crash-test facility. (Who needs dummies?)
  • Chemical warfare testing facility.
  • Soylent Green plant. (It's people, you know.)

That's all I can think of right now. Tell me in comments what I've missed.


7 responses to “More Great UTMB Ideas”

  1. #1 has been going on in China for years.

    I realize Texas has been racing for years to overtake China in total number of executions (we already imprison a lot more people than they do), but do we really want to go there?

  2. Liver Farm. The liver is pretty uniform, so you can remove about 70% of it without killing the donor. And it grows back.

    Wound Ballistics Lab. Not really necessary right now, with two wars and all, but a definite plus if peace breaks out.

    Also, Brothel is kind of a traditional favorite.

  3. In the “good old days” (i.e., the 60’s), if you got into a little dust up with the constabulary, you could always sign up for the military and kill yellow people- I say, put some eme’s and MS 13’s into those little set to’s in the middle east- they’ll be beggin us for a chance to surrender tto the white man- can you just picture the terror of getting caught up in the middle of a crack or meth battle between the vera cruz cartel and the sinaloa cartel? we need to get them addicted to the drugs we have control over- Meth, scripts, hydro, etc.- the resources are there – and our fine Texas inmates could be proud contributors- we colud also shoot some of the small ones out a cannon and into fighter windshielsds -like chickens, only more realistic-what about STD research- the possibilities are endless – most of our cross bar resdents are already adept at the greek style- both men and women – the introduction of some bacterium or virus- hey, a cure could be right around the corner!!!

  4. Random vaguely related trivia:

    In Brian DePalma’s rock’n’roll fantasy Phantom of the Paradise, Swan punishes Winslow not only by framing him on a drug charge and getting him imprisoned, but also “volunteers” him for an experimental program that involves replacing all his teeth with stainless steel implants.

  5. Limiting this to Texas probably wouldn’t be sufficient. Do you suppose that between us (US) an UK, there are enough mentally ill prison inmates to plug an oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico?

    • If you limited it to the governor of Texas it would work. That is if you could get his head out of his rectum.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.