Leaked Memorandum


From: John Pistole, TSA

To: Robert Mueller, FBI

Bob,

Kudos to you for that Oregon thing. You are getting really good at fabricating terrorist plots to bust would-be bombers. I’ll tell you, FBI is looking good in the War-on-Terror field.

Actually, that’s why I’m writing to you—I have to ask you to do me a big favor.

You know that after I left the Bureau (which job I loved, by the way—hint, hint) they stuck me in this TSA job. Well, it’s really starting to get me down. I mean, everything we do makes Americans safer by making it less likely that their airplane seatmates will be wearing bombs in their undies, and they keep complaining: “John, you’ve never caught a terrorist.” “John, the scanners don’t work.” “John, we don’t want screeners groping us or our children.” Waaaa, mine hurts too. Listen up, people: if you want flying across the country to be safer than driving to the convenience store, you’re going to have to give up some of your freedom and dignity. And the fact that we’ve never caught a terrorist just means that YOU NEED TO GIVE UP MORE OF YOUR FREEDOM SO THAT WE CAN CATCH SOME.

I’m sorry, Bob. I don’t mean to yell at you. You know all that. I just get so upset that these people don’t trust me to balance their freedom against their safety.

It would take a lot of heat off me if we could actually catch someone going through security with a bomb. I’ve already got all the newspapers sold, and if scan-and-grope works once, everyone will have to shut their traps and let me decide what price a little more security is worth.

You see what I’m getting at here? If you could fabricate a plot involving another mildly retarded loser trying to blow up a plane on Christmas Eve, and then tipping me off on the QT so that I could make sure the screeners caught him, it’d go a long way toward restoring public confidence in government power without oversight—and I know Leonhart and Melson would like a bit of that too.

I considered finding a screener who secretly wants to blow up a plane—with our shoddy employment screening, that shouldn’t have to be too hard—and fabricating a plot with him at the center. Then we could catch our own screener trying to sneak explosives through security. But that wouldn’t work—it would just support the unfair allegations of incompetence that the Right and the Left keep throwing at us. Besides, TSA doesn’t (yet) have the resources to convince even the most simpleminded aspiring bomber. So I really need your help on this one.

If you don’t have anything in the hopper right now, I can send you our list of recent applicants; there’s got to be someone in that parade of no-hopers who would, deep in his heart, rather put bombs on  airplanes than keep them off. But remember: I need you to tell me who you are using and exactly where and when he will be coming through security—God knows we don’t want to leave it up to the bunch of losers I have manning the machines to find even a fake bomb on their own.

If you can’t help me out, I understand. No sweat. We’re still cool. Give my love to the wife and kids.

John


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